This has been one of the most life changing years of my existence! I started off the year as a pregnant married woman living in Mesa. Now, a year later, I am still a wife, but everything else has changed. We had our perfect, tall, skinny, fast moving, anti-snuggling, little princess in March. I went back to school in May and then got to spend the whole summer with her. She gets bigger every day and I am LOVING the little person who is captivating our lives!
Yes, I am still a wife, but marriage with a child is now a family! John is a much better husband and father than I am at being a wife and mother. He is very attentive and caring, ALWAYS putting our needs before his. He is still in school and I am proud to say that he got a 4.0 this semester! So proud of him and his desire to get an education. He recently started a new job with Home Depot. The hours will allow us to tag team so Addie doesn't have to be in day care. It will make it hard on us, but I feel blessed to have figured out a way to keep Addie in our own home.
One change this last year is that John's sister Katy has been living with us since August. Words cannot express what my sweet sister has given me. She has cared for my daughter since then and I am so grateful for that. She has loved our girl and taken care of her. I feel so blessed to have someone selfless enough to sacrifice 5 months of her life in service for my family. I thought many times these past months, "This is such a choice time. We will look back on these months and cherish them!" But this time in her life has come to an end and she is heading back to CA on Friday. Katy just got engaged and is needing to go take care of her life now. I honestly wish her the best luck in finding a job, a place to live, and planning her wedding. She has been my angel these past few months and I will be eternally indebted to her. We are so happy that she found Jacob and that they have made the choice to get married. I'm excited to have another non-Gardner in the Gardner clan.
As for my Addie, she was sitting up at 3 months, rolling over at 4, crawling at 5, and a week before her 9 month mark, she started full blown walking! Like I mean walking across the room with no help. She is a goofball and looks so funny since she is so small. She likes to growl at everyone (I think it's a form of endearment). When the dog barks, she starts yelling too as if that is just what you do when the door bell rings. Her favorite book is called "Mommy Hugs"--it is the only time she will snuggle with me. She loves bath time more than life itself. She is still super bald, but we are hopeful that the dark hair will start coming in faster.
Another big event from this year is that we moved...
In May, John and I up and decided to start looking at houses. I bought our house right before we got engaged and it really wasn't ever our house, so looking was nothing we had ever done before. What began as simple intrigue quickly spawned as our plan. We went through the heart break of having offers put on the house only to be withdrawn. And with that he heart break of not getting houses that we could picture our family growing in. We finally found our house after about 4 months and although it didn't have everything we were looking for, it is better in so many ways. It is a 5 bedroom, 3 bath, 2300 sq ft house. John has an office, I have a craft room/guest room, Katy had a room, Addie has her room, and we have a HUGE master suite with walk-in closets and sitting room. I love it! And the best thing is that it is our house!
Other than that, our life has been pretty dull. Just going through the motions trying to settle in our new place. Our ward is great! I am already serving as the Laurel Adviser which I love! All in all, it's a pretty sweet life!!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
I am mother, hear me Roa....ah, who am I kidding, I'm too tired!
So this is motherhood! I have felt the yearning in my heart for over a decade to be a mom. Call it what you will, innate desires, social pressures, etc., but I am here. My sweet Addie is most definitely a part of my life...in fact she is my whole life. I remember Meg used to have a shirt that said, "Softball is life...the rest is just details!" I feel like I should wear a shirt that says, "Addie is my life, the rest are just details!!!" That pretty much encapsulates my feelings lately.
About 2 weeks ago, I was offered a dream job of mine. I was asked to be the JV Head Girls Basketball coach at my school. I know that doesn't seem like a dream job, but you get to run your own team without having the pressure of running a whole program. If 1 year ago or more they would have asked me, I would have jumped at the chance, but...it wasn't right. The moment the offer was in the air, I knew that I was going to have to turn it down, but I told them I needed time. I spent the next 6 days tormenting myself. With John by my side--willing to support me whatever my decision was--I prayed, fasted, went to the temple, studied the scriptures, and even went to the Relief Society broadcast. My mind was drawn to Elder Oaks talk from October 2007 which encouraged us to seek for what is BEST, not just settle for what is GOOD or BETTER, but strive for BEST. I really needed to sort out my priorities. What was best? After a while, the conclusion that I came to was that being the best, most attentive mom was what was best. If there was energy left after that then I could do what was better (church service, teaching, etc). And only after that if I had time for Good should I spend time with that. I ached because I knew that turning down the job meant that whoever the coach was wouldn't be the best influence on the girls. Didn't I have an obligation to help them? The short answer is, NO. My obligation is first to my God, then to my Husband and Daughter. I must not lose sight of that.
The trouble with have a Good, Better, Best choice as opposed to a good vs. evil choice is that when the choice comes with the latter, an instant settlement of peace comes into our hearts, knowing we made the right choice. When you choose best, there are still some good and better things being sacrificed.
Since this choice, I have been working through some very minor resentments toward my family.
It has been in those moments that I think I am FINALLY starting to understand the sacrifices made by my mother. It made me think of a song that she used to cry when we sang it. I didn't get it...now I do,...
I have waited all my life to be "in the meantime". Although I had to wait longer than most, I have been able to finish school and have a great career. But all of those accomplishments pail in comparison when my sweet Addie nestles into my shoulder and giggles. I know that there will be many sacrifices to be made to ensure that I get to be with Addie as much as possible. But I just need to stay the course and keep perspective!!!
I love being a mom! It is the greatest thing that ever stunk so bad! I love my sweet baby who is now asleep, so I must go to bed!
About 2 weeks ago, I was offered a dream job of mine. I was asked to be the JV Head Girls Basketball coach at my school. I know that doesn't seem like a dream job, but you get to run your own team without having the pressure of running a whole program. If 1 year ago or more they would have asked me, I would have jumped at the chance, but...it wasn't right. The moment the offer was in the air, I knew that I was going to have to turn it down, but I told them I needed time. I spent the next 6 days tormenting myself. With John by my side--willing to support me whatever my decision was--I prayed, fasted, went to the temple, studied the scriptures, and even went to the Relief Society broadcast. My mind was drawn to Elder Oaks talk from October 2007 which encouraged us to seek for what is BEST, not just settle for what is GOOD or BETTER, but strive for BEST. I really needed to sort out my priorities. What was best? After a while, the conclusion that I came to was that being the best, most attentive mom was what was best. If there was energy left after that then I could do what was better (church service, teaching, etc). And only after that if I had time for Good should I spend time with that. I ached because I knew that turning down the job meant that whoever the coach was wouldn't be the best influence on the girls. Didn't I have an obligation to help them? The short answer is, NO. My obligation is first to my God, then to my Husband and Daughter. I must not lose sight of that.
The trouble with have a Good, Better, Best choice as opposed to a good vs. evil choice is that when the choice comes with the latter, an instant settlement of peace comes into our hearts, knowing we made the right choice. When you choose best, there are still some good and better things being sacrificed.
Since this choice, I have been working through some very minor resentments toward my family.
It has been in those moments that I think I am FINALLY starting to understand the sacrifices made by my mother. It made me think of a song that she used to cry when we sang it. I didn't get it...now I do,...
In The Meantime 
In her heart she holds the dreams
That she’s carried since the day
she turned thirteen
Of all that she would be when she
was grown
Of all that she would do when she
was finally on her own
She dreamed she’d fly
And she’s still waiting for the
chance to try
That she’s carried since the day
she turned thirteen
Of all that she would be when she
was grown
Of all that she would do when she
was finally on her own
She dreamed she’d fly
And she’s still waiting for the
chance to try
But in the meantime she’s a mother
and a daughter and a wife
Doing all she can to stay above
the daily grind
And she wonders when she’ll ever
have more meaning in her life
She doesn’t know she’s being
molded and refined
In the meantime
and a daughter and a wife
Doing all she can to stay above
the daily grind
And she wonders when she’ll ever
have more meaning in her life
She doesn’t know she’s being
molded and refined
In the meantime
Someday she’ll go back to school
When the carpools and the soccer
games are through
‘ Cause deep inside she’s still
the girl
Who’s always felt the fire to make
a difference in the world
She dreams she’ll soar
When she finally has the time to
do more
When the carpools and the soccer
games are through
‘ Cause deep inside she’s still
the girl
Who’s always felt the fire to make
a difference in the world
She dreams she’ll soar
When she finally has the time to
do more
But in the meantime she’s a sister
and a teacher and a friend
Hours turn into days that turn to
years that never end
And she wonders when she’ll ever
really find herself again
Bus she’s becoming one on whom
God can depend
In the meantime
and a teacher and a friend
Hours turn into days that turn to
years that never end
And she wonders when she’ll ever
really find herself again
Bus she’s becoming one on whom
God can depend
In the meantime
Heaven feels the joy of every
victory in her life
And heaven hears her heart before
she cries
Somewhere in the middle of the
triumphs and the trials
She’s becoming sanctified
victory in her life
And heaven hears her heart before
she cries
Somewhere in the middle of the
triumphs and the trials
She’s becoming sanctified
But in the meantime she’s an
answer and a blessing and a gift
To every empty, aching heart that
only she can lift
Still she wonders if she’ll ever get
to see where heaven is
If she could only see her mansion
waiting there
If she could only feel how much
her Father cares
She would know she’s being
perfectly prepared
In the meantimeanswer and a blessing and a gift
To every empty, aching heart that
only she can lift
Still she wonders if she’ll ever get
to see where heaven is
If she could only see her mansion
waiting there
If she could only feel how much
her Father cares
She would know she’s being
perfectly prepared
I have waited all my life to be "in the meantime". Although I had to wait longer than most, I have been able to finish school and have a great career. But all of those accomplishments pail in comparison when my sweet Addie nestles into my shoulder and giggles. I know that there will be many sacrifices to be made to ensure that I get to be with Addie as much as possible. But I just need to stay the course and keep perspective!!!
I love being a mom! It is the greatest thing that ever stunk so bad! I love my sweet baby who is now asleep, so I must go to bed!
Monday, August 19, 2013
8 Years
I almost made it through the entire day without crying. I was up early with a teething baby, and out the door to work before my eyes were even fully open. Then I got to work and had students waiting for me. I then taught all day, ate a quick lunch, and finished off with my last class doing group work where a lot of guidance was needed. And then it happened... I burst into tears and sat at my desk. In the last 8 years, this has been the longest I have made it without a breakdown. You would think that my heart wouldn't ache so bad after all this time, but it does. I would have thought naming my daughter after Rachael would make it hurt less, but it doesn't. Eight years ago today, Rachael died. It still makes my stomach churn when I think of that phone call from Emily and the subsequent phone call the next day telling me they had found her body.
So much has happened since then...so much I wish she would have been here for. So on this anniversary, I would like to write her a letter.
Dear Rachael,
I can't believe it has been so long since I have seen you. This year has been an awesome one. John and I are about to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. I think you would have liked John. He makes me so happy. We just had a baby girl. Her name is Adaline Rachael Gardner. She reminds me of you so much! We named her after you because I hope that she can be like you. I hope that she is as kind as you. I hope that she will love to serve as much as you do. I hope that she loves to dance and sing, especially in the car. I sing to her all the time and we have dance parties. I don't dance as well as you do, but I hope she picks it up. I hope that she will constantly try to help others feel like they belong. I hope that she will be the best older sister ever. I hope that she will love to journal. I even hope that she appreciates Sonic Happy Hour like you did.
All in all, I miss you Rachael. I wish that you were here to be a part of our lives, but I will settle for having you forever in my heart!
Love,
Katie
So much has happened since then...so much I wish she would have been here for. So on this anniversary, I would like to write her a letter.
Dear Rachael,
I can't believe it has been so long since I have seen you. This year has been an awesome one. John and I are about to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. I think you would have liked John. He makes me so happy. We just had a baby girl. Her name is Adaline Rachael Gardner. She reminds me of you so much! We named her after you because I hope that she can be like you. I hope that she is as kind as you. I hope that she will love to serve as much as you do. I hope that she loves to dance and sing, especially in the car. I sing to her all the time and we have dance parties. I don't dance as well as you do, but I hope she picks it up. I hope that she will constantly try to help others feel like they belong. I hope that she will be the best older sister ever. I hope that she will love to journal. I even hope that she appreciates Sonic Happy Hour like you did.
All in all, I miss you Rachael. I wish that you were here to be a part of our lives, but I will settle for having you forever in my heart!
Love,
Katie
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Be Mine Forever X 2!!
I was going to post this on facebook, but as I was typing I realized this is more appropriate for the blog. For some reason, being sappy and lovey seems more appropriate when people choose to read it rather than me flinging it onto their Updates page. So here it goes...
For the last 18 months and 28 days, I have been falling madly in love with John Gardner! I love him more today than ever and I'm pretty sure I'll love him even more tomorrow! He is not "romantic" or "sentimental", but he genuinely loves me with all that he does! Last night, I was subjected to sleeping in the recliner because it is the only place I can sleep for more than 25 min at a time. Not only did John tuck me in, but he slept on the couch next to me so that I didn't have to be downstairs alone. The stores can keep their chocolate and their flowers and their cards...that is LOVE! That is true eternal love.
I was blessed to grow up with a father who was a stud at making his girls feel special on Valentine's Day. I always felt loved but I always knew that I was not HIS valentine! He would get us flowers and cards. He would hug us a little tighter and tell us how much he cared. But he also showed us that true eternal love! He would spend time with us. And he was the BEST at making special days feel special! Like on my 16th birthday when he delivered 16 orange roses to my school and then took me out to dinner that night. Keep in mind, my mom had secretly planned a surprise party and was probably the one who physically delivered those flowers, but it was my dad who got the credit. Anyway, my dad is amazing and what I thought was a valentine that could never be replaced. And in so many ways, he will never be... but...
John is my true and eternal valentine! He may not swoon like my dad, but the love is the same. Like 2 nights ago when I was finally able to fall asleep on his chest. I woke up 40 min later with a pool of my saliva on him. I was so embarrassed but he simply said it was good to see me being able to sleep! Who does that? Who let's someone drool all over them for over a half hour? My husband, that's who!! I don't know how I got so lucky to have 2 wonderful valentines in my life, but I am so grateful for them! I'm even more grateful that I get to be sealed with both of them forever!
I am so grateful today and everyday that my dadda raised me with such love and that my sweetheart chose to be with me forever! I love them both with all my heart! I also love this song...John and my first dance...I thought it was perfect that day, but I didn't realize that it would be perfect forever!
Then by Brad Paisley
For the last 18 months and 28 days, I have been falling madly in love with John Gardner! I love him more today than ever and I'm pretty sure I'll love him even more tomorrow! He is not "romantic" or "sentimental", but he genuinely loves me with all that he does! Last night, I was subjected to sleeping in the recliner because it is the only place I can sleep for more than 25 min at a time. Not only did John tuck me in, but he slept on the couch next to me so that I didn't have to be downstairs alone. The stores can keep their chocolate and their flowers and their cards...that is LOVE! That is true eternal love.
I was blessed to grow up with a father who was a stud at making his girls feel special on Valentine's Day. I always felt loved but I always knew that I was not HIS valentine! He would get us flowers and cards. He would hug us a little tighter and tell us how much he cared. But he also showed us that true eternal love! He would spend time with us. And he was the BEST at making special days feel special! Like on my 16th birthday when he delivered 16 orange roses to my school and then took me out to dinner that night. Keep in mind, my mom had secretly planned a surprise party and was probably the one who physically delivered those flowers, but it was my dad who got the credit. Anyway, my dad is amazing and what I thought was a valentine that could never be replaced. And in so many ways, he will never be... but...
John is my true and eternal valentine! He may not swoon like my dad, but the love is the same. Like 2 nights ago when I was finally able to fall asleep on his chest. I woke up 40 min later with a pool of my saliva on him. I was so embarrassed but he simply said it was good to see me being able to sleep! Who does that? Who let's someone drool all over them for over a half hour? My husband, that's who!! I don't know how I got so lucky to have 2 wonderful valentines in my life, but I am so grateful for them! I'm even more grateful that I get to be sealed with both of them forever!
I am so grateful today and everyday that my dadda raised me with such love and that my sweetheart chose to be with me forever! I love them both with all my heart! I also love this song...John and my first dance...I thought it was perfect that day, but I didn't realize that it would be perfect forever!
Then by Brad Paisley
Friday, January 25, 2013
Parasite of the Womb
I warned you that as a teacher, you would only get sporadic updates...
So much has happened in the last few months. Did you see that awesome bench project I posted about???? Yeah, that was the last productive thing I did all summer! Mostly because out of nowhere I was just TIRED all the time! After a couple weeks of feeling like too tired to do anything, I found out that I was pregnant!!!
This pregnancy has been interesting to say the least! I don't know what they are supposed to be like, so maybe this is normal. All I can say is that I truly am grateful for this baby! Even though I had morning sickness until week 22 and occasionally still have it, at least that means my hormones are good right?! Even though I haven't been able to sleep through the night in over 4 months, that means this growth is good right?! Even though I have so much back pain that it hurts to breath and she likes doing cannon balls in my womb, that means she is active and healthy right?! Even though I am an emotional basket case who cries over nothing that means I'm a healthy pregnant woman, right?! And even though I am sooooo tired I can barely function, that means she is getting all my energy right?!
In all honesty, Pregnancy is hard! Making a human is tiring! But then I think about being a mommy! I think about holding this little spit-fire baby in my arms as I rock her to sleep. I think about having a child who wants ME when she is not feeling good. I think of a little girl going with ME to mother-daughter activities. I think going to parent teacher conferences as the PARENT! I think of her fighting with ME as a teen...and then I think back to that cute baby image and move on! And I think, "this is really it! I am going to be a MOM!" I feel like being an aunt, a sister, a missionary, and a teacher have just been little glimpses into what I am about to embark on. I love this baby! She is a dream come true! I get to be her mommy...no pressure!
I still have a few weeks left in this pregnancy (6). There is so much to do that I am ok with the idea that I have 6 weeks. However, this is starting to feel real! I talk to her and she moves. Her dad comes home from work and she does this kicking thing in my ribs that she never does any other time. I read to her and she calms down. I play her music and she wiggles what I think is either her knee or her bum. I am so excited to meet her!
As a separate tangent, I am soooo grateful for my AMAZING husband! John has been my support through all of this. He gets me to laugh even when I don't want to. He tells me I'm beautiful even when I feel fat and ugly...and you know what, I think he means it! He wakes up in the middle of the night when I stir to make sure I am ok. He runs upstairs and downstairs all the time to fetch things I have forgotten. He listens to me talk WAY too much about this baby and not enough about us. I could not have asked for a better support through this pregnancy! And I am so excited for him to be a daddy! When we started dating, it was not uncommon for us to speak about our future families...not realizing that it would be our future family. I knew then that he was going to be a great father! That is part of the reason why I loved him so much so quickly. He is not sappy or sentimental, but there is a look he gets on his face when he rubs my tummy and says "There's a baaaabbbyyyy!" that melts my heart and makes me excited for him to be her dad.
Well, wish me luck in the next 2 months! It will truly be life changing! Who knows when I will post more, hopefully before her 1st birthday!
So much has happened in the last few months. Did you see that awesome bench project I posted about???? Yeah, that was the last productive thing I did all summer! Mostly because out of nowhere I was just TIRED all the time! After a couple weeks of feeling like too tired to do anything, I found out that I was pregnant!!!
This pregnancy has been interesting to say the least! I don't know what they are supposed to be like, so maybe this is normal. All I can say is that I truly am grateful for this baby! Even though I had morning sickness until week 22 and occasionally still have it, at least that means my hormones are good right?! Even though I haven't been able to sleep through the night in over 4 months, that means this growth is good right?! Even though I have so much back pain that it hurts to breath and she likes doing cannon balls in my womb, that means she is active and healthy right?! Even though I am an emotional basket case who cries over nothing that means I'm a healthy pregnant woman, right?! And even though I am sooooo tired I can barely function, that means she is getting all my energy right?!
In all honesty, Pregnancy is hard! Making a human is tiring! But then I think about being a mommy! I think about holding this little spit-fire baby in my arms as I rock her to sleep. I think about having a child who wants ME when she is not feeling good. I think of a little girl going with ME to mother-daughter activities. I think going to parent teacher conferences as the PARENT! I think of her fighting with ME as a teen...and then I think back to that cute baby image and move on! And I think, "this is really it! I am going to be a MOM!" I feel like being an aunt, a sister, a missionary, and a teacher have just been little glimpses into what I am about to embark on. I love this baby! She is a dream come true! I get to be her mommy...no pressure!
I still have a few weeks left in this pregnancy (6). There is so much to do that I am ok with the idea that I have 6 weeks. However, this is starting to feel real! I talk to her and she moves. Her dad comes home from work and she does this kicking thing in my ribs that she never does any other time. I read to her and she calms down. I play her music and she wiggles what I think is either her knee or her bum. I am so excited to meet her!
As a separate tangent, I am soooo grateful for my AMAZING husband! John has been my support through all of this. He gets me to laugh even when I don't want to. He tells me I'm beautiful even when I feel fat and ugly...and you know what, I think he means it! He wakes up in the middle of the night when I stir to make sure I am ok. He runs upstairs and downstairs all the time to fetch things I have forgotten. He listens to me talk WAY too much about this baby and not enough about us. I could not have asked for a better support through this pregnancy! And I am so excited for him to be a daddy! When we started dating, it was not uncommon for us to speak about our future families...not realizing that it would be our future family. I knew then that he was going to be a great father! That is part of the reason why I loved him so much so quickly. He is not sappy or sentimental, but there is a look he gets on his face when he rubs my tummy and says "There's a baaaabbbyyyy!" that melts my heart and makes me excited for him to be her dad.
Well, wish me luck in the next 2 months! It will truly be life changing! Who knows when I will post more, hopefully before her 1st birthday!
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